RM,

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years. I'm 32 and he's 35. We love each other, and he's never cheated on me. He treats me like a queen all the time. Like I said, I love him and I want him to marry me. Whenever I tell him that, he says he loves me to. He says he wants to stay in our relationship, but that he doesn't want to get married, and that he never will. I love this man. I'm faithful to him, but already being 32, I'm feeling like I should be married, and starting a family. My girlfriends know how great of a guy he is. Most of them say I should stick around until he changes his mind. My best friend says that'll never happen, and I should get out now. She says he doesn't really love me, or he would marry me. Is that true? What should I do? 

RESPONSE TO SIDNEY T.

Dear Sidney,

First, about your best friend telling you your man doesn't really love you--he tells you he loves you all that time and treats you like a queen. Sounds like he really loves you to me. So, you two have a great relationship, but should you stick around, hoping he changes his mind about marrying you? That depends on how much, and when you want marriage. Know that a man can sincerely love the women he's with, and for whatever reason never want to marry her. And it sounds like he does love you, because, even though he wants to continue the relationship, he's risking you leaving him by telling you the truth. But Sidney, understand, if a man tells you, point blank, that he doesn't want marriage, and that he never will, that means, at least for now, in his mind, he's never going to do it. Is there a chance that one day three months, or three years from now he'll change his mind? Of course there is. But if you were to ask me...and your boyfriend, we'd both say that's not going to happen.
So my solution to your dilemma is this--if you're willing to put off all plans to marry and start a family till you're 34, then give this man two more years of your life, and he might surprise you. But if three years has already been long enough, then let your man know that you love him, and if he changes his mind before you're taken off the market, let you know. Then walk away and simply wait, or find a man who will both love you AND the idea of marrying you. He is definately out there :)

That's not to say that a man who wants marriage, can't love you. He will develop love for you before you marry, and that love will deepen over the course of that marriage. The point is, many women believe because they have a man that loves them, that love will eventually lead to marriage. That is not always the case. There's an expression. "Women marry because they fall in love. Men marry because it's time." Believe this or not, I know hundreds of men who have dated and loved women that would've made wonderful wives. Why did the men leave? Simply because they weren't ready for the lifelong commitment. Men really don't start to settle down, wise-up, and truly appreciate all that marriage can bring until sometime around 35 years old. Yes, it's a generalization, and I'm making it, and I dare you to prove me wrong:) A 30 year old man might love you to death, but when asked to give up his freedom, he'll damn near choke on his soda. You might be on just a second date with a 40 year old you barely know, but I guarantee you, there's a real chance he's questioning whether he can spend the rest of his life with you. They are just more mature like that. So as a single woman who wants marriage--before starting your search--you might ask yourself, is finding a man that loves and respects you enough? If you want a great relationship--then yes. If you're ultimately looking for marriage, and you're at an age where you can't afford seven more years for a man to warm to the notion--then I'd say no. I'd say, find a man who wants marriage first, then decide whether or not you can love him. I know this sounds backwards, but you'll be prioritizing the hardest part. Think of how many men loved you in the past. Now ask yourself how many of those men proposed.

Many men hesitate considering marriage due to the rumor that women change, often times for the worse, once married. I often wonder how true this rumor is. I did some searching, some interviews, and was introduced to a very provocative theory. "Women don't change once married," I was told. "We change back."
This particular woman informed me that she has received one marriage proposal each year, over the last five years. Only this year she was not proposed to. What happened? "I stopped being someone else," was her answer.
This woman's theory: Women looking to marry become what her man is looking for. What he likes, she provides, even if it requires her changing to do it. Once married, she may tire of doing the things that never came naturally to her, and she stops, or in the man's eyes, "changes".

"If the woman hated cooking, or wasn't big into sex, but made dinner every night and had sex frequently to entice a man to marry her, how long do you think she'd continue that behavior after she got what she wanted? That's the reason for the change."

Informed women and men out there, what's your opinion? Is this true? Maybe a little bit. Not at all. And more important, is it fair? Women--if you know you don't like to do laundry, or you'd prefer to take more of a leadership role in the marriage, shouldn't you let your potential husband know, rather than wash his shorts, and submit unconditionally? Let us know.