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Thursday, August 20, 2009
Ask RM Question--K.I am 49 yrs old, divorced with a 20 yr old (still living at home and not working....going to
school but not making it on his own yet) and a 16 yr old. I have been dating a 42 yr old man for 2 1/2 years. He has never
been married and has no children. He and his family tell me that our relationship is the longest relationship he has ever
had. When we first went out I asked him if he was ever insterested in marriage and he said he was...and through out the past
2 1/2 years he has said things like "when we get married" a couple of times. He lives 45 minutes from my home so
on weekends I usually go there and spend a few days. I had taken some clothes and things (make-up and such)to leave there.
I had told him I loved him about 11 months into the relationship but he couldnt say it in return. He beleives you dont say
what you dont mean. At our 2 year mark he finally told me he was in love with me too and now he tells me he loves me all the
time. He is very kind and caring! He is also very prominate in his church. This weekend he told me that getting married
scares the hell out of him...my kids scares the hell out of him, and that he was feeling a lot of pressure from his family
and church members to marry me and he isnt sure he can ever do that. He thinks that because he's been alone "too long"
that he could never adjust to me being there in his house full time. He also stated "even the little things like when
I am hungry I eat i dont have to be worried about if i should ask you or not if you want to eat." I think these are all
small issues but to him they are big. And although he thinks I would be the best wife he could find, he's not sure he will
ever be ready to marry. That day he also said he felt like I was one step from moving in and wasnt sure he could handle that...so
I packed up my stuff and took it all home. It didnt seem to be a problem when I would stay there over the weekend...I never knew he was upset about it at all.
In talking to him I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes!
But he knew I wanted marriage and that I would
be hurt if he couldn't, so he assumed we would just break up. He also said he doesnt know how to be in a longterm relationship
because he's never been in one before. I told him I wasnt in a hurry to get married and that I am willing to continue to date
if he still wanted to but it had to be because he wants to stay together as a couple. He said he didnt want to give me up
and asked if it "be ok if we stayed together." Do you think he will ever get over his fears of marriage? I really
think it has to do with my children....and hopefully when they leave the house and it's just me he may change his mind. What
are your thoughts?
My reply--
K, it's a huge step
for a young man to consider marriage to a woman with no children, and with little other responsibility. But for a 42
year old man who has been alone for all his life, and then to have to consider your sons, one of which is a grown man, the
other, who practically is, and are still in the home. This is frightening for him.
It sounds as though he loves
you, he is just conflicted. Like I said, it's understandable. But it sounds as though you're writing me because you want results.
And I assume you want that result to be the two of you walking down the aisle. All I can say that you've done everything you
can to make that happen. He knows who you are, what you have to offer, that you love him, ect. Unfortunately, this is
how you have to look at. Considering you have given him everything, and he still does not want marriage, you must assume that
he never will. Yes, he's afraid, but what man isn't. He's admitting that his fear is bigger than his love for you. You did
the right thing by taking your stuff and leaving, but still offering him the option to continue to date you is reversing
whatever good you did. If marriage is what you ultimately want from him, you have to let him know it's all or nothing. Pack
your things, get out of there for good. Give the man some time to think about it, miss you some. If it's truly love, he'll
find a way to deal with his fear of your sons, of life with you, of marriage in general, and concentrate on the wonderful
future the two of you will have together.
8:07 am
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