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Thursday, August 20, 2009
Ask RM Question--K.I am 49 yrs old, divorced with a 20 yr old (still living at home and not working....going to
school but not making it on his own yet) and a 16 yr old. I have been dating a 42 yr old man for 2 1/2 years. He has never
been married and has no children. He and his family tell me that our relationship is the longest relationship he has ever
had. When we first went out I asked him if he was ever insterested in marriage and he said he was...and through out the past
2 1/2 years he has said things like "when we get married" a couple of times. He lives 45 minutes from my home so
on weekends I usually go there and spend a few days. I had taken some clothes and things (make-up and such)to leave there.
I had told him I loved him about 11 months into the relationship but he couldnt say it in return. He beleives you dont say
what you dont mean. At our 2 year mark he finally told me he was in love with me too and now he tells me he loves me all the
time. He is very kind and caring! He is also very prominate in his church. This weekend he told me that getting married
scares the hell out of him...my kids scares the hell out of him, and that he was feeling a lot of pressure from his family
and church members to marry me and he isnt sure he can ever do that. He thinks that because he's been alone "too long"
that he could never adjust to me being there in his house full time. He also stated "even the little things like when
I am hungry I eat i dont have to be worried about if i should ask you or not if you want to eat." I think these are all
small issues but to him they are big. And although he thinks I would be the best wife he could find, he's not sure he will
ever be ready to marry. That day he also said he felt like I was one step from moving in and wasnt sure he could handle that...so
I packed up my stuff and took it all home. It didnt seem to be a problem when I would stay there over the weekend...I never knew he was upset about it at all.
In talking to him I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes!
But he knew I wanted marriage and that I would
be hurt if he couldn't, so he assumed we would just break up. He also said he doesnt know how to be in a longterm relationship
because he's never been in one before. I told him I wasnt in a hurry to get married and that I am willing to continue to date
if he still wanted to but it had to be because he wants to stay together as a couple. He said he didnt want to give me up
and asked if it "be ok if we stayed together." Do you think he will ever get over his fears of marriage? I really
think it has to do with my children....and hopefully when they leave the house and it's just me he may change his mind. What
are your thoughts?
My reply--
K, it's a huge step
for a young man to consider marriage to a woman with no children, and with little other responsibility. But for a 42
year old man who has been alone for all his life, and then to have to consider your sons, one of which is a grown man, the
other, who practically is, and are still in the home. This is frightening for him.
It sounds as though he loves
you, he is just conflicted. Like I said, it's understandable. But it sounds as though you're writing me because you want results.
And I assume you want that result to be the two of you walking down the aisle. All I can say that you've done everything you
can to make that happen. He knows who you are, what you have to offer, that you love him, ect. Unfortunately, this is
how you have to look at. Considering you have given him everything, and he still does not want marriage, you must assume that
he never will. Yes, he's afraid, but what man isn't. He's admitting that his fear is bigger than his love for you. You did
the right thing by taking your stuff and leaving, but still offering him the option to continue to date you is reversing
whatever good you did. If marriage is what you ultimately want from him, you have to let him know it's all or nothing. Pack
your things, get out of there for good. Give the man some time to think about it, miss you some. If it's truly love, he'll
find a way to deal with his fear of your sons, of life with you, of marriage in general, and concentrate on the wonderful
future the two of you will have together.
8:07 am
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
ASK RM QUESTION--PonyaMy situation is not as intense as some of the blogs I've seen but it is unsettling. I have been seeing
this man for over six months. I truly love him and we have a great relationship. We've talked about marriage and commitment,
we both see being in one anothers lives for the rest of our lives. But our problem, my problem is his insecurity. I have always
been open and honest about who I am and what I have been through with him. He has issue with me talking to my ex's and no
matter how much time I spend with him and reassure him, he questions me constantly about if I've seen or talked to my ex's.
I told him he can trust me and that I will not cheat on him and he says he knows that to be true. But his reasoning is that
he knows men and how they will try until a woman gives in. My response is that then you don't trust me. I feel as if he trusted
me it wouldn't matter how much the men try. He wants me to drop all contact with my ex's. I'm not sure if I can these are
people that have been in my life and been there for me even when we were not in a relationship. Should I just go the way I
am and do my best to reassure him on a regular basis? Should I let it go now before things get worst? Or should I honor his
request and stop all contact with my ex's even though there is no guarantee of a future with him despite all the talks we've
had.
RM's Response--
Dear Ponya,
I wish this decision were easier for you to make,
but my friend, something simply has to give. As a man, when I enter into a new relationship, invariably, the woman will ask
me about past relationships. I tell her, as far as I'm concerned, there were none. In my mind, this woman is the beginning.
She will be the person occupying my time until the relationship ends. If it ends. There will simply be no talk of
ex's. There shouldn't be. They are ex's for a reason.
You're boyfriend is right. Your so-called "friends" those
ex's of yours are hanging around for a reason--simply because they still believe they can get some of what they used to get.
And your boyfriend has good reason for being angry. He now shares you with a host of past boyfriends. Men who used to
get the same treatment he's getting now. When you "hang out" with them, they see you the way they've seen you in
the past. Excuse my frankness, but they see you naked, in bed, having their way with you. It's how men think. It's a dangerous
game you're playing, and you honestly need to stop. Some ex's stick around and play the "friend" because they know
the moment the current boyfriend messes up, it will be their shoulder you cry on. That moment of weakness could
throw you back in the arms of one of those ex's--back in the bed of one of those ex's. You're boyfriend knows that, and trust
me, your ex's know that, too.
You say you have some issue with breaking with these ex's because they were around before
your boyfriend. Yes, that's true. But they also screwed that up. They gave you proof they could not be trusted,
or they did not care, or respect you. You ended it, so why continue to hang on? More important, why risk something with
a man you love, feel you may have a future with, for a team of guys who you've already kicked to the curb? This
should be an easier decision than it has been, which leads me to wonder. Either you still have something for one of these
guys, love the power it gives you, tormenting your boyfriend, or you don't love your boyfriend as you say you do.
If you do truly love him, get rid of the ex's. If they are real friends, they will understand, and leave you alone
so you can give all that you're supposed to to your boyfriend, instead of sharing it with those other men.
8:38 am
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
ASK RM QUESTION--Susie S.
I just don't know what to do. I am so sad inside. Please help.
I am 48, divorced, and met
a great guy, 52 divorced. We have been dating for 15 months and living together for 9 months. He had a horrible childhood
where his parents fought and deep, true love
was not a part of their family.
His 18 year marriage failed due to his lack of engagement in their relationship. He is
a kind, honest, loving person and he and I are great in every other way except I want to get engaged and be married within
the next couple of years, as I want a life partner, a husband, not a boyfriend.
He, due to his childhood, parents,
and failed marriage, wants to keep our relationship just where it is for the rest of our lives. He has been divorced for four
years. He says he is very much in love with me and doesn't want to lose me. I too love him very much and I am very good to
him. He even said he is more in love with my than his ex. I want to stay with him, but at the same time want to be with someone
who wants to be married at some point in the near future. I'm not getting any younger.
Part of me thinks I should move
on, but don't know if I have the courage to do that, and the other part of me wants to stay because we are so good together
in every other way.
He's agreed to get a ring and see what happens. He said it kills him to see this making me so sad.
What should I do?
RM's Response--
Susie,
This is a heart wrenching story. I can "hear"
the sadness in your words, but don't despair, you're situation is not nearly as desperate as you may believe. You said your
guy had been married for eighteen and is now divorced. I would've liked to have known if you too had been married and divorced,
but that aside, I want to say this. People don't marry then fall in love. They fall in love first, which compels them to marry
so they can spend the rest of their lives together. Many younger people in love rush to get married without much thought,
concern or preparation, believing love alone will ensure them a lasting marriage. I'm sure you know better than that,
and I know your guy most definitely knows better. Maybe for the reasons stated, your guy does not want to marry. But that
doesn't mean he does not love you. You made it perfectly clear that he does. So I want to ask you, what's more important,
love or marriage? There are so many people that are married, but no longer love one another. To me, it sounds like you have
everything you're looking for in this man accept the paper. Are you telling me you're willing to toss all that aside, go out
there and try to find it again with another man, solely because he won't marry you? And with respect, I'm not marginalizing
marriage. I know there are commitment issues, benefits, and all that stuff. But the beauty of marrying later is that
most folks have been taking care of themselves for some time, and they don't really NEED someone in their lives, more than
they want them there.
Since my parent's divorce, my father has been living with the same women for over thirty years.
Till this day, they have not married. For many years, I told myself I wanted only a life partner, and not a wife. I believed
so many people become complacent with their spouses, believing they have a legal contract forcing them to stay, as opposed
to knowing the only thing keeping their spouses there is their want to be there.
I apologize for this long response,
but I believe your issue warrants it.
My advice, Susie, is stick with this man. He has already committed to you in so
many ways--by disclosing his deepest secrets to you, to moving in with you, to even agreeing to buy you a ring when it goes
against so much that he's feeling.
If I had gotten the impression that your man was just playing games with you, biding
time, or "freeloading", I would tell you to quickly get rid of the clown. But it sounds to me there is real love
between you two. So unless there is some reason you absolutely NEED him to marry you (immigration laws, health benefits, ect)
then enjoy what you two have together. It's so much more than most have.
11:13 am
Monday, July 6, 2009
ASK RM QUESTION--Annoymous--I have been seeing this man for a little over a year now. In the beginning of the relationship
we both decided that we would date, not just one another but other people as well. Our realtionship was great at first. We
spent time together, had stimulating conversations, we would see one another 2-3 times a week. Couldn't wait to see one another.
At some point throughout the course of the relationship it has taken a negative turn. He started to pull away, didn't want
to see me as much, and when he does see me its only for a few hours. We don't leave the house, we don't have any of the fun
we used to. Its come down to just being physical. Very little if any affection. We hadn't discussed the reason for the change
because everytime I bring up any conversation that he doesn't want to deal with, he shuts down and avoids the topic. I truly
wasn't looking to marry, as of yet, I just enjoyed what was. I thought we were building. I enjoy having him in my life,
but at this stage I'm wondering if I should just cut my losses. I care for this man and I know he cares for me in his own
way. I need more clarity as to where I stand in his mind and life and why the change. How do you get someone to have a conversation
with you that is so unwilling? I'm not asking for marriage just clarity. That way I can do what is best for me.
My response--I hate to tell you this, but you're recieving all the clarity you need, because he's giving it to you. He's
screaming it at you loud and clear. If you worked hard at your job, wanted a raise, but every time you asked your boss to
talk about it, your boss avoided you--would you need him to clarify his positon. If so, I'll do it for you. Your boss is not
going to give you that raise, and doesn't care that you know it. This guys feels the same way. And him caring about you "in
his own way". Maybe, but is that enough for you? Understand this--you should not focus on WHAT changed, and WHY it changed
between the two of you. The fact is, something did change. What to focus on is how you feel about the change. You didn't like
it, right? You tried to talk to him about it. He doesn't want to talk--so walk. Listen, and I'm speaking to most, if not all
women out there. You have more power than you think. You're giving that man exactly what he wants, but when you ask him to
recipricate, he turns his shoulder, and tells you to keep on giving. Shake whatever emotional tie you have to this...this...man.
Whatever he's giving you, I'm sure, there are scores of men who would gladly give you the same, and then some.
My uncle
told me when I was sixteen years old, not to let a women think she's doing me a favor by being with me. "She's getting
something out of it, too." The same goes for you. So if you aren't happy, and not feeling as though you're being respected,
please, please, please, tell this fool to take a walk. Or better yet, don't say anything. Don't return his phone calls, texts,
or emails, and after a while, I guarentee he'll be willing to talk about anything you want. But by then, it'll be too late.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
ASK RM QUESTION--ANNONYMOUS
Here's my situation, I've been a relationship for 2 yrs and 4 months. My boyfriend
and I stay together. He has ways and does things I don't appreciate but at the end of the day I love him. He promised me that
before the end of 2008 he would propose to me, it's June 2009 and no proposal. He never said anything i had to approach him.
In January we had a talk and he claimed that he had to help his mother with bills and that set him back. He claims that he
wants to have everything in order before he marries. But he wants to get married in the courthouse, so I don't know what'
going on. Our lease ends in May 2010. I've decided that if this relationship hasn't moved to the next level by then I am moving
on. I am soooo tired and I feel like I am wasting time. Please tell me what do you think about this situation.
MY RESPONSE--
Your guy made a promise to you, which he probably shouldn't have, unless he was certain he was
going to follow through. Let me first say that many men will not marry if their finances aren't straight. We believe it's
our responsibility to make sure that our wives and family are provided for, and our fault if they aren't. A man can struggle,
and practically live in poverty himself and be okay. He will feel like an utter failure if he drags his family into that situation,
so that may be the reason for his hesitation. With that said, it has been eighteen months since you two were supposed to have
gotten engaged. He made no mention of it, and from what you told me, he doesn't seem to be moving in that direction. I firmly
believe it's not your place to have to ask him about marriage. If a man wants something, he's going to make a way to get it.
How many guys have you heard of who were working a two-bit job, had no money saved, but really wanted that new car. He'll
put fourth all his effort, fudge tax forms, forge pay stubs, borrow money from his girlfriend, and agree to pay
23% interest for the next eight years, but at the end of the day, he's driving home his new car. That's how determined you
should require your man be about marrying you. Give him the deadline if you want, (even though I don't think it'll make much
difference) but stick to it! And if you have to ask him again why he's not marrying you, then you should know it's time to
start walking.
8:26 am
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